2011 SF Self Suppression

  • Sf on suppressing the real experience within: I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress the real, raw experience within in relation to m’s arrival back ‘home’
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear m’s return back ‘home’
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to run away from this fear /this person, from the real raw experience within
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to run away from what I experience within
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deny the real experience within
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress the real experience within
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to assume that I must strong and keep up face regardless of the real experience within
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I always must stand within every experience within
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I always have to be strong and up to the task
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deny emotions of being hurt within me
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress emotions of being hurt within
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deny and suppress my feelings
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress what I actually feel within
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress my emotions as they arise
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress my tears
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress my fear
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress how I experience myself in fights, arguments, backchat, cheatings, back stabbing
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress the experience of myself in order to be able to survive within the system
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must be strong
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define being strong as suppressing the real emotions of being hurt within.
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define emotions as bad
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define feelings as bad
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to categorise emotions and feelings as bad as a no- go area and therefore suppress them within myself.
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2010 Writing myself to freedom Daily writings-working with a dream

Monday 26 sept. 2010

Ok an other dream some days ago

Dream about being needy for male companionship

I arose with the feeling of being in need of a boyfriend b/c I dreamt about it.

I was in a big old house , probably it was my own house which needed a lot of renovation and deconstruction. I was walking around moving myself through rubble desperately waiting for my boyfriend to arrive. And I was devastated this experience stayed very much with me like how the fuck can I make something out of this mess without a man?

I was also carrying a child/toddler. At the moment the boyfriend arrived I saw that I didn’t actually ‘needed’ one in the first place and that I could do without.

Zina was with me as well- well the children were presence in the dream.

As I was walking around in that house I was a bit afraid as well being alone especially in relation to the house and the maintenance that needed to be done, being dependant on a an man to do the job for me. And then in the dream I already saw like ok if this is your starting point, WTF are you doing??

The minute the ‘boyfriend’ walked in I wanted the bf to be gone as well like it’s completely obsolete to be with a guy, there was irritation as well in my dream.

So wanting and desiring it and then when it’s presented itself I reject it. Ok that’s a polarity trap where one is participating within.

This mind construct also revealed it self when working with the SRA lesson-Undergarment and within the feedback from the resonances. Its the exact same construct more accurately similar yet slightly different. It’s the sequence where one is participating within before one is actually having a steady relationship. The expectation faze when one will ‘hunt’ for one and then exercise this polarity trap.

Ok I feel ‘walled’ here – I experience resistance a block/wall b/c I can’t write the point out fluently.

Ok the point is here within me. Its also one of the points that need to be re-aligned and already busy walking this specific point within the SRA/ and- resonances. I will ‘stall’ this until we get to the corrective application faze within the lessons.

So I will have a direct cross-reference and specified understanding of the point so I will be efficient within the re-alignment of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blank out when looking at this specific point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have full access to the information that is running as me within the structure of consciousness and experience a wall when looking into this specific point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not understand this state of blankness when looking into this specific point within myself.

Ok I see that this is something I dot want to publish in public so basically I don’t want to share this with others. So secret mind stuff so it must be a self-definition something I still hold unto to, obviously.

Fascinating is that along the way – what I start seeing and gain some insight about is that when one is clinging unto as the perceived ‘me’ ‘I’, is in essence all ‘presenting’ itself the same.One starts seeing the point/becoming aware, then start looking into the point, then a  wall of resistance is there for one to face and walk through until the alignment is completed. SRA and muscle communication are assisting with this process quite specifically and the procedures as the lessons. To speed up ones process – I actually wouldn’t have been able to walk such points without support& assistance.

So basically one can come to a point of self honesty alone yet one must have the ability to cross-reference points, the principle of “where two or more are walking in my name” applies here , other wise one can never be ‘sure’ and continues guessing and assuming about what is real.

ok will share here when more opens up

2009 Here & There

there is here as me

There is not there as me its here as me

I do not have to go there its already here as me

There is here as me

2009 Participation

Participation

Through participation in this world I have to change, it’s within the participation that I’m able to live the living words in as the physical

It’s within the participation that one must change from consciousness to awareness to become the practical living solution to walk the living words in this I realize that

it’s within participation with others where I am able to amalgamate with all other selves as me

It’s within the participation where one is able to live the corrective application it’s within the participation where the points that have to change become real as the actuality of me

Within the participation with others is where one can direct and correct ONE self immediately  in the moment

Awareness which is not yet lived as me is not valid from the perspective  that it hasn’t been lived yet as me it’s within participation  to become whole

It’s within the participation where I stand, walk, express, move as me one and equal with the participants ,the participation the whole of my being.

It’s within the participation that one is holding back clinging unto past events, knowledge and information..

It’s within the participation that I have to allow myself to be whole with the participants.

It’s within and as being part and being patient to allow myself to become  whole within and as the part that is presented to me

It’s within the part, parted from the whole that I become whole It’s within the participation that I let go of all that I know to hold on to but instead holding it as me, holding  me as the part that has parted to become whole

It’s within the participation that I take the ‘outer part’ of me and bring it home to become whole

It’s within the participation that I don’t part but give back to the whole which is me to let go of partaking of taking, parting

to let go of parting

I don’t take ‘I’ hold the part as me in until All parts are home again Whole again.