2011 Closing Doors

The future prospect of fucking up again and walking into the same time loop is not preferable, so time to get Real.
And thus: Stay Real! And Be Physical!

So where am I at? And what is Here for me to walk?
Finding myself again Standing face to face with the manifested consequences= Money=Self. Standing in front of this part of me where coping mechanisms patterns starts emerging; which is here once again for me to see and realize a window of opportunity to unravel the totality of the whole pattern. So I can sort it out to not allow myself to walk into unnecessary time loops/experiences again.

Patterns as reactions towards this point:
Sadness as in: “Oh freaking shit no, I can’t handle it” yet suppressed as resonance ‘experience’ I have become this point in its totality. So no need for thoughts to accompany the experience, that’s how one could describe the resonances, patterns that are ‘thoughtless’ yet directive as principle.
Tiredness and sleepiness are indicative of the suppressed state of this point; I actually immediately wanted to sleep as it emerged yet instead I took a bath with the girls, which was great fun-lol.

“Oh no I cant handle this” needs more introspection, it’s a point of self defeat and sabotaging the point of standing all one which also is linked to the matrix of self nurturing that I’m still walking into awareness. I will dig deeper into this write this out into specificity in what I currently see and understand.

Running away: ‘Sneaking’ off to self -created back doors. Running away from walking/ facing the real experience of self, which is suppressed as the accepted habitual nature, tempting and automated to run away again from the real experience specifically related to this point. I see thoughts as back chat coming up yet very slight, it emerges to run off to someone, anything ‘better’ than facing this point head on.
Point of Self- intimacy, who am I as pattern?

I allow myself to remain Here, Solid within me, whole safe, Secure, Comfortable, Strong as Strength anchored in and as the physical walking every moment of and as Here as self commitment as me.

So actually cool! I can from here unravel the pattern, slow it down to root it out
Time to close Doors, simple!


2011 Automated Existence

I had to call the infant welfare centre for the exact details about the vaccination Zina got when she was a bit younger, I needed to double-check it to exclude a certain illness before I consulted a doctor.

I dialed the number and now I entered the telephone operation, which is completely automated you can only choose out of the given possibilities, press 1 or press 2 and so on.

I wasn’t really paying attention I missed my “press moment” so the whole sequence started again from the beginning.

Finally I got the procedure ‘right’ meaning I now successfully followed the pattern of the program yet this took me probably more than 15 min. before I actually got to speak with a person. Sigh.

Now another procedure started yet with a human being, and again I wasn’t really paying attention, not here in the moment breathing I allowed myself to drift off in an habitual response, the automated me.

I used to really despise this automated telephone operation systems to exist within the first place. I always struggled/fought with this kind of automated systems. This I expressed in being extremely uncooperative when it came down to these kind of phone calls as little small acts of ‘rebellion’ towards the system yet it isn’t rebellion in fact. It actually expresses complete lack of understanding of the system and how its operates. I Constricted myself within an idea of a small act of ‘rebellion’ against it when in fact I was operating within the system  perfectly! I wasn’t even aware that I was ‘rebelling’ against my own image and likeness.

This brings me to the following question: Where do you ‘rebel’ against?

2011 Back Chat as Mind POSSEssion

So some side-notes about my commitment to post my writings onto my blog

Before I pushed the enter button thoughts are flashing through my mind – the girls refer to thoughts as movies within our heads- we have become possessed by the movie in our heads.

Thoughts as back-chat:

– “Its pointless”

– “I’m being dramatically within my writings”

– “I’m pedant within my writings”

So actually activities/characteristic I categorized as ‘bad’ and that’s why I don’t want to be seen as such. It holds judgment and fear

– “Its pointless”

Inherent belief that one can’t ‘fight’ the Giant, all Ants together makes the Giant.

– “I’m being dramatically within my writings”

Ok so here I see judgment towards emotions, and judgments as fear towards energy.

– “I’m pedant within my writings”

subtle self manipulation where I’m then tempted to give into b/c its seemingly ok to not want to act in a certain way, there doesn’t exist such a ‘certain’ way in fact, its only one way the way thats best for all.

Explaining yourself why you shouldn’t do something through reasoning is always irrational and uses logic to make your point valid and is actually a mind possession, so you walk your day from one mind possession to the next one. Really unnecessary.

We reason our way into infinity, we have become the Posse of the Possessed ones with no other reason than to keep the cause of the reason=possession alive. Time to get back to reality!

Get to know your mind demons:


2011 The Era of Eros-Desire as Addiction

I Perceive and experience Sweetness as the point of self nurturing through a construct within the structure. I ‘lose’ myself within this specific experience as perceived sweetness.

This point is automated as me I did not yet walked this point into clarity it has multiple dimensions/layers to it.

When shopping yesterday I observed how I was automatically drifting off through projecting automated wants/needs/desires for a relationship. This is part of desiring a relationship being automated and addicted to participate within these projections, pertaining wants, needs, fantasies, projections and what not.

How is it being ignited? Among things Through walking in my world/reality automatically locking into pictures, graphics, symbols and from there automatically spiral into a mind construct of desire or more accurately a possession of mind.

So I actually start becoming aware of how I now utilise pictures, graphics, symbols to ignite wants and needs and so on to generate energy – something to participate within. It could actually have been anything. Yet at this stage most prominently is desire.

I ‘enjoy’ experiencing myself as such, I am addicted to this perceived experience of myself. I have given it high value and importance to experience myself within this perceived experience of self. I’m addicted to it a junk, actually nothing beats this experience- not sex; masturbation nor drugs. It’s within this allowance and drifting off to projections of me ‘there’, because it pertains hope and a future that will never be lived.

The whole construct and me participation within it is irrational and I use reason, logic to justify my participation and thus not acceptable. I can’t accept not to trust myself within this point. I didn’t yet opened this point up and I will through writing and walking it, to get to the nitty- gritty of it, all cards on the table.

Getting to know me, before I am off to ‘someone’ out ‘there’ again to distract myself from what is real.

I don’t give a fuck about another person within the above construct because I want what I want and the person is only placed within this position to keep the construct in place. Even when one is in a relationship one is exercising within it- someone out ‘there’ to dream about, to linger for to drift off to projections and shit like that.

So its not even to be off to someone again – the other doesn’t even exist that person only exist within my head. Actually only within a closed boxed where I then locked into, all of me contained within a box of projections,fantasies, ideas and so on.

The thing is I didn’t yet consider nor saw all implications of my individual participation and how this is the fore stage/fore play of ending up married with children, and isn’t this exactly what we are all from a very early age desire? To end up with someone either looking for an ultimate sexual experience or what ever we make up within our irrational reasoning to chase who ever we want what ever we want whenever we want no matter the consequences of our actions.

Dangerous shit when you don’t know where you are dealing with and not know who you are within it what you do, and really completely unnecessary!

This is how we bring children into being.

This starting point is fucked up and we must change and de-engineer ourselves, no parent wants to bring this about yet we’re all living it into being by simple participating within the ‘smallest’ point of desiring to be with someone.

Desire should be on the list of mental disorders – those who ‘suffer’ from such mental disorder cant be trusted with Life.

I can tell cause I have been such person myself the thing is that whether the world is burning or not you actually don’t give a fuck because you are trapped within the Era of Eros and grateful for what actually? That you found what actually? That you are married with children and now what? That you have sex on a regular basis, that you have a steady relationship?  I mean WTF, how many people ‘cheat’ on their partner? how many people leave their partner to get something ‘better’ in return. I mean that in itself should already show how fucked up this chase for such perceived experience is. To desire such a thing because in actuality  it doesn’t exist it only exist within ones head and the rawness of the physical reality will never meet that whats inside your head and you will freaking fucking never be satisfied because within the Eara of Eros such a point doesn’t exist within the physical reality.Thats the factuality of it.

Time to get Real:

Show the way to be the way and live the way into being for the children and the children yet to come


2011 Response to Cathy’s blog post: Who Have You Been Or Become In The Name Of Money? Married!

I found within me that I got married because of securing the money point and I wasn’t even aware of it, it took me a while to understand what and how I placed/positioned this point and how securing the money point within my world came about.

It showed me that the ‘way’ that leads to marriage/relationship is wrapped up nicely as experiences and energetic addictions such as desire, love, sex, lust, partnership, companionship, dreams, ideas, perceptions, assumptions, fantasies, projections and what not all meticulously placed to make-up/ to secure the money point.

Through relationships/marriage we eventually fuck ourselves a way into the family construct to produce children as clones for the preservation of the world system and through this we keep the heart=money of the system alive and kicking.

By not seeing nor being aware of its design and why its designed and placed as such makes us easy sheep for the system to survive because we are controlled by our desires and needs to be with that other one instead of being One.

The need/want/desire for sex or wanting to find the right guy/girl Is such a ‘normal’ accepted expression of our ‘nature’ that we don’t even question this very nature yet its something we need to question to find the answers to ourselves! We never allowed ourselves to actually question to investigate the real experience of desire as addiction, because no one wants to give up his or her ‘lolly pop’.

Desire and need for the one to spend your life with will lead you being caught and trapped and enslaved in the total design of this reality!

You must actually think twice before you jurk off or loose yourself in daydreaming about the one, or both activities at the same time – all right?

What a total waste of time!

So time to stop this recycling of the past and get to know one self!

You simple Join us at the Desteni ‘I’ Process. Where we take the ‘I’ on and investigate and study who ‘I’ is in relation to relationships.

“It is the process of the ‘I’ in this world. As Humans we exist as the ‘I’ – the “who am ‘I’”, the “how am ‘I’”, the “why am ‘I’”, the “what am ‘I’”, the “where am ‘I’” – All the questions about the ‘I’ “

So the ‘I’ can meet the ‘I’, eye to eye – and see for oneself what remains of ‘I’, ok! that’s it.


Link to Cathy’s Blog, check it out!!


2011 Mind Constructs – Walking Self Correction

Mind Constructs – Walking Self- Correction

I see that I’m still having an anxiety about going to sleep knowing and being determined to live what I agreed on living and stick to the decision. I don’t have to go into a personality play out I engage in every evening/night before sleeping. Staying up late doing all kind of things, being all wind up about really nothing. Playing out personality traits of being ‘Naughty’/‘Rebellious’ captivating Self within the play out because One can do so. Ok, I need to laugh! How ridiculous can one be in the way we allow ourselves to exist?

Ok, so

I have been living this automated point for years and I don’t know where I picked this up and whether it’s relevant for now to know the exact point of origin.

I see that I get restless when thinking about sleeping because I remind myself already around the early evening what I determined myself to do – namely go sleep at a certain time and getting up at a certain time without engaging in a Persona to ignite the energy that I create through acting out the Personality and then the outflow thereof. Acting out the Mind Construct, always getting up just a bit too late or oversleep, being hasty as the outflow of an energy addiction and from there enrol into a sequence of predictabilities within this specific Play out of a Mind Construct.

A mind Construct is thus releasing or building anxiety/tension concealed by a play out we call our ‘Daily Routine’ or ‘Our Lives’, or ‘Personalities’ or ‘Our Ways” or this is ‘Me’ or whatever we name it.

It really took me a while to distinguish all points in the totality of the play out of the mind construct and how I was acting it out. While I’m walking the re-alignment, other layers/dimensions open up to integrate into this specific mind construct of waking. I have found that working with mind construct and how it is designed one has the opportunity to walk through multiple layers/dimension of accepted constructs and start understanding a glimpse of how one engage and exist as Mind Constructs. And its is done when its done.

So what I observe within me- through the blank that has been now created by re-aligning specific Mind Constructs – I start experience a perception of a ‘missing’ feeling. I start feeling ‘incomplete’ without this specific energy and thus start projecting and compounding ‘disagreement’ unto other points/manifestations I come across within the same Mind Construct and this ignite so much friction that ‘I’ eventually ‘explode’. So stick to the breath!

S L O W   D O W N

It’s like walking out of an addiction or to be more accurate stopping an addiction and then just stick to the decision in every moment – and thus not replacing one addiction with another addiction.

Learn more about mind constructs: http://www.desteniiprocess.com

Explore the Universe: http://desteni.co.za

2009 The Actuality of ‘Me’ During Domestic Fights- Arguing for my Limitation


Back to the actuality

He ‘snapped’ because me not willingly to get back to get the girls shoes.

I couldn’t breathe through it.

This wall I couldn’t ‘take’ in.

I was tempted to speak words of irritation instead of just taking it in as I do with the kids, with the little ones I do not ‘move’ in and as the mind but take it in and then there is silence. The hole in the moment me being whole and in this all self-definitions do not exist.

I didn’t I was tempted to speak, to participate without any self direction. Because I couldn’t stand the ‘wall’ I was facing, this particular experience of myself. Ok- Lets break it down!

This experience is of utter and complete exhaustion me talking to a ‘wall’ and this experience of self is something I don’t want to experience. Instead of remaining here in and as the breath I fall ok I will not be defined by failure.

First point:

I was ‘tired’ of this experience of self: Oh,- no here we go again! Same old shit, how many times have we’ve been here on this same route same path. I know where this is going to lead me! A whole day, or more days with putting up with ‘getting the cold shoulder’. No I don’t want that–>fighting it.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of this wall he’s presenting to me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to find this experience to hard to bear within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fight against myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to escape this experience of myself by removing him from my environment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that I wasn’t able to remain here in and as the breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that I when I realized that he was still giving me the cold shoulder that I said get out of the car instead of not participating.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to stay here within and as the breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fuck this transcendence point up because I didn’t allowed myself to stay here in and as the breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be tempted by reason, arguing to fix the situation through talking ‘empty’ words.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in and as arrogance believing that I can ‘fix’ events that I’m walking through reasoning and arguing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to argue for my limitation despise that I already have proven to myself that the only thing that is self directive is breath staying here as it, to live it to be it in fact

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always be tempted by words to fix myself, my world this reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that in this attempt I’m hiding my fear for what I really experience inside.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid the experience inside.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not wanting to walk through the outflow of his behavior and the way I specifically experience myself when he’s giving me the cold shoulder.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to know where this path is leading to, him not speaking to me for days and me trying to fix it through reason and arguments instead of remaining here in and as the breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate this experience of myself when he’s doing this.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to at all cost want to avoid this experience of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to walk away and deny this experience of myself and therefore try to fix it through arguments and reasoning while I know that this only makes things ‘worse’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to find this experience of myself to intense to bare.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to find myself in the exact same experience of self as when being with the kids and being possessed by and as anger.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to face the actual experience of myself that of  RAGE

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear loosing myself within this rage.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be FURIOUS when someone/M is doing/acting this out this onto me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to be treated this way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to HATE it when someone is shutting of all communication with me I find it UNFAIR.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel powerless and without any means to stand up against this UNFAIRNESS and the RAGE inside.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become so frustrated and so angry because of the perceived unfairness of someone shutting down all communication with me.