2011 Introducing myself- my story Finding Desteni, the journey to Self

When I stumbled upon my first video at Desteni back in dec. 2007 I couldn’t have imagine that it would actually be the beginning of the end of ‘me’.

I walked the world matrix quite extensively meaning I did my education, got a professional career, got into relationship, got a child, quit my job to be a stay at home mom. The journey, which led me to this life and this version of me, is the actual process I am walking, to study and investigate my accepted and allowed reality within the Desteni ‘I’ process.

I’ve been raised as a Christian yet my parents were not strict in practising their religion. By the time I was ten or so I really saw that Nope the bible and its interpretation cannot in fact be so. From there the journey of finding ‘The Truth” of me began. The LOA has been an accepted part of my upbringing; my family were very much into self-help books and psychology. I sincerely believed that it was my actual plight to live the fullest potential of me and become the best of me within the context of what I accepted as “getting the best out of me” in this life. I was a seeker and collector of experiences I wanted to experience it all one of my mantra’s was: “I only live once so I must make the best out of it here and now” Little did I know then, that yes this is so yet what one will bring into creation all depends on ones starting-point-lol

Whether it was Yoga, mediation, psychic reading’s, drugs, alcohol, clubbing, travelling etc.. I wanted to experience it all and from a matrix perspective yes so to speak, I did it all. By the time I settled down to be a mom, I stumbled upon the living application of what’s best for all, – Destonians and Practivism.

Initially by reading and watching the material what was standing out for me were the words used and the clarity within the sentences, how the message was scripted. I never heard such clear structured yet living real langue before. Which was remarkable because we all use words, so to be able to use words in such a way that all seems ‘new’ creating a platform to look at this world/reality from a complete different perspective, was mind-blowing and a call for more!

The message of oneness and equality wasn’t hard to grasp – it resonated within me as the absolute truth, which wasn’t debatable.

I was actually seeking for the truth/life we all do other wise we would be content with our current truth which is our life, each individual life is each individual truth. So when one is seeking one is living the confirmation that one’s life is a lie, common sense.

I immediately started waking with, initially through writing because in writing one gives self the opportunity to pull all hidden information about oneself which is inside to the surface, outside. Writing is an amazing tool to self.

It wasn’t an ‘easy’ or ‘funny’ or a tralalala experience I must say it took me a while to stabilise within integrating the tools of Self-Forgiveness, Self-Honesty, 4 count Breathing, Self-Corrective Application into my day-to-day living. Through being consistent in writing and applying the tools on a day-to-day basis I created a platform from where I could walk. This obvious takes time, we’ve been creating ourselves meticulously into specificity and detailed as our accepted expression over a period of time, so walking backwards in space-time in order to walk into corrective application to bring about what’s best for all, will take time and consistent self-willed application.

The forums and the blogs by fellow Destonians have been of invaluable support, I haven’t encountered such a place before where people in self-Honesty are sharing themselves, which takes a lot of courage, discipline and will power, I know from my own experiences what it takes to walk with. My visits to the farm with and without the children have given me a glimpse of what it means/will be like to manifest Heaven on Earth. while being at the Desteni Farm one can experience for a moment to live one and equal to truly support and assist each other as a group. To give All what one wants for themselves, security, safety, comfort which is currently only established and given through money, equal money will end the atrocity so we’ll create a platform from where we will value life as it should have been from the very start.

Initially I wasn’t really walking this process for myself I ‘saw’ my children and the ones yet to come I just had to act on the information and knowledge presented to me.I had to at least give me- and thus my children-an equal opportunity to see for myself what I have become and who I am within what I do.By walking with, I got to a clear and substantial understanding that what I live one and equal as expression will be manifested and the living example for all and for my children, simple!

Being a parent opens up the window of Possibilities and Grace. While interacting with Children one is forced to practically walk instantly, immediately within the moment here – lol No room for introspection, just do it!

While participating with my children, falling and standing up again became a daily living practical action!

In fact the children and the factual relationship with them have been and still is a Real wake up call, a Reality check. Reality as physical substantial manifestation isn’t up to ideas, beliefs, conditions etc..it has completely different laws. Its Direct, Here, Immediately within every moment. It’s useless to be or want to be more than the physical it has been the downfall of man, so time to stand up and walk equality for all as the change we will bring about as the real parents of this world, lets get this done!

So give yourself a reality check and walk with,- if you have the couRage!

Thank you,
Jozien

Image Frida Kahlo:Wat I saw in the Water

2011 Equality as Life Style!

I start over again!
So the decision is made I’ll move out of the house and probably leave the city as well and thus its lifestyle that has been m’I’ne for such a long period of time and by this I’m saying farewell to something a ‘style’ of living that doesn’t serves me anymore.
The structural design within I’m living here in the city is part of or even more accurate is ‘me’ in the old ways. It opened up within me that I simply could let go of this so called Lifestyle I created and constructed here. I’m not this person anymore, that persona as this very construct has died. I have lived this constructed manifested life fully into completion. I actually walked the whole matrix of aDullt life into completion by:
Getting into a relationship/marriage- getting kids- buying a house, the ‘Works’.
Married with children living the ‘perfect’ city lifestyle everything in place everything I placed so carefully for us all after “I lived it all and did it all” fase and before I started walking this ‘I’ process of self-honesty.

It was kind of straining to keep all those persona’s within the structure in place and it’s a full-time job, a commitment for life and I’m done doing so. Actually already some time ago yet I’m still living within the structural design of something; which is of the past, it has become quite useless in fact.

It served its purpose yet it doesn’t hold that purpose anymore. It’s quite fascinating to see how I’ve been meticulously designing myself into and as this ‘persona’ living in the city. From ‘Sex in the City’ to married with children. It freaking takes dedication and effort to establish/ manifest it into being. Sometimes I’m still amazed in awe/respect of others manifestation of how they established their thingy into being not yet realizing in full awareness that I did (all do) the exact same thing. We bring exactly that into manifestation what we intended to do, each single meticulous detail of it.

So from here having a ‘fresh’ look at what we’re establishing within this process of walking into a world that will bring equality for all by establishing an equal money system is of the same meticulous precise detailed placement of oneself within the greater to have eventually an impact, preparing the way before us. If one look at what one is able to create by looking back at one’s life and how this ability to create can be a force of real change when the alignment is adjusted with serving all! We can actually do it and will do so!

Yet now I break up again starting all over again. This time it will be the first time from the starting point of de-engineering myself realigning myself with what is best for all. Its kind of surreal! Can one really do so? Yes one can!

Equality as Life Style all included is my new devise!

2011 More on Suppression

It has been a bit rough lately.
I also start seeing something else, yesterday I was crying and I was holding myself lying in bed, the tears were flowing and I couldn’t really understand what was going on b/c I rarely cry like that these days. I was holding myself tight, lying in a fetus position with my fingers crossed to contain myself here as the physical and tears were flowing.

I couldn’t really unravel it; it was quite a cool release from suppressed emotional/feeling bodies. This morning humiliation as experience was here for me to look at while opening up through writing and writing SF I started to cry even more I couldn’t stop.

I see that what is severely suppressed is contained within emotional bodies, resonating as such. These bodies are accepted thoughts lived into being; one cannot capture the words that have been creating such entities. Yet it controls one completely. So I walk back and this word humiliation came to surface, stepped forth as experience of self, which was suppressed within wordless emotional bodies/entities or however you want to name them.

It’s really like unwrapping myself, physically actually. Because It’s within the physical were the suppression is wrapped as it, I’ve become this as the physical.

While the physical is definitely supporting me ejecting the shit that shouldn’t be in it. I already walked such ejection of shit, rubbish that shouldn’t be there and I am still diffusing it; which almost becomes a natural thing that accompanies me. It will take time to get the unwanted stuff out.

Ok cool, I actually never have been writing it out as such.

2011 Unwrapping Self-Suppression

Wrap sounds like crap – lol

Underneath anger, rage and embarrassment within me, the real experience lies dormant, which I didn’t yet allowed myself to embrace as part of me. While walking the TL of a Mind Construct a window of opportunity opens up to go to the core of the suppressed slumbering real experience of oneself that’s so tightly wrapped up as more ‘acceptable’/’suitable’ expressions such as anger and irritation.

While walking Time Lines, which is part of Mind Construct within the SRA course, one is slowing oneself down to walk through memories as the actual participant and so opening oneself up. While doing so I see an energetic ‘wall’ which is the resistance, I walk through it to be able to go to the core of the real experience of self that opens up the suppressed experience such as: Feeling less than, Feeling inferior, Feeling unequal.

Experiences such as being inferior/unequal/less than is not a good thing so I deem it as ‘bad’, and must be immediately suppressed

I start opening up more getting and becoming more comfortable with what is here as experience as me while taking this ‘in’. I experience a shock an electrical shock of waking up to the real experience of self; which is through walking the layout of the Mind Constructs within the SRA-Course showing its Real face. Simultaneously while walking through it, opening up I experience a physical relief.
I’m amazed actually in disbelief how something so simple could have lie dormant right in front of my eyes without being able to break through the boundaries of the control.

Self, in –to- me- I- see, becoming familiar with me, getting to know me! Self first!
So this is self-intimacy in actual application, allowing myself to see beyond anger, rage, irritation, to allow myself to surface the suppressed experience. To allow myself to see that I experience feelings such as: being hurt, inferior, embarrassment, feel less and so on it exist within me and its ok to see this part of me which doesn’t imply that its acceptable– lol
It’s here for realignment, a window of opportunity so I can stop the automated suppression of categorised bad experiences of myself.
When did this automated self-suppression become an habitual coping mechanism in the first place?

Ok, Cool!
It’s not that bad – lol

2011 Closing Doors

The future prospect of fucking up again and walking into the same time loop is not preferable, so time to get Real.
And thus: Stay Real! And Be Physical!

So where am I at? And what is Here for me to walk?
Finding myself again Standing face to face with the manifested consequences= Money=Self. Standing in front of this part of me where coping mechanisms patterns starts emerging; which is here once again for me to see and realize a window of opportunity to unravel the totality of the whole pattern. So I can sort it out to not allow myself to walk into unnecessary time loops/experiences again.

Patterns as reactions towards this point:
Sadness as in: “Oh freaking shit no, I can’t handle it” yet suppressed as resonance ‘experience’ I have become this point in its totality. So no need for thoughts to accompany the experience, that’s how one could describe the resonances, patterns that are ‘thoughtless’ yet directive as principle.
Tiredness and sleepiness are indicative of the suppressed state of this point; I actually immediately wanted to sleep as it emerged yet instead I took a bath with the girls, which was great fun-lol.

“Oh no I cant handle this” needs more introspection, it’s a point of self defeat and sabotaging the point of standing all one which also is linked to the matrix of self nurturing that I’m still walking into awareness. I will dig deeper into this write this out into specificity in what I currently see and understand.

Running away: ‘Sneaking’ off to self -created back doors. Running away from walking/ facing the real experience of self, which is suppressed as the accepted habitual nature, tempting and automated to run away again from the real experience specifically related to this point. I see thoughts as back chat coming up yet very slight, it emerges to run off to someone, anything ‘better’ than facing this point head on.
Point of Self- intimacy, who am I as pattern?

I allow myself to remain Here, Solid within me, whole safe, Secure, Comfortable, Strong as Strength anchored in and as the physical walking every moment of and as Here as self commitment as me.

So actually cool! I can from here unravel the pattern, slow it down to root it out
Time to close Doors, simple!

2011 Mothers Children and Health Care

DID YOU KNOW?

In our world today nearly 11 million children under the age of 5 die in the world every year – well over 1,200 every hour most from easily preventable or treatable causes.

Fucked up and totally unnecessary.

When one of my kids is in pain, injured or ill, I’ll try to make them better, see a doctor, get a perspective so that the kids are able to get the required treatment and its done. I would get extensively stressed when I’m not able to solve it.

All mothers want to do exactly what I am doing, getting help for their children. Millions of mothers are not within that position. Just a simple act of care which is denied to millions of mothers and thus to their children. Medical care is a Basic Human Right, every one should have access to Free Health Care. It shouldn’t be something you have to earn or to fight for, no, it must be Given simply because we’re in this world.

Equal money will root out such allowed atrocities- in the name off free market and capitalism -to exist

2011 Wanting to be more than what is Real

So I can see how I have been trying the last couple of weeks to subtle manoeuvre myself to be more than the physical reality and it started to compound anger as well – so careful here because I can see how this is creating much friction and this will then be the layout of me towards the world and everything that enters my world – not cool!

Ok so the girls have been sick for the last couple of weeks. I actually never visited in such short time either a doctor or a dentist as the last couple of weeks. So being with them 24/7 is a story in itself when they’re sick it becomes quite a story-lol

I must then stop all the things I’m participating within, and reschedule everything at once. And here it started to become a bit ‘vague’ because I was juggling between: “I can do the things I must do versus  still be there for them.”

Nope! Time has proven this over and over again: – Can’t do, won’t work!

So today I said and applied: Ok! They’re sick and that’s what is here and that’s what I’m able and must direct. Its simply needs to be done! Trying to be more than what the physical reality in the moment requires is really stupidity in action. So therefore I stop and I let it go.

Ok that’s it for today

2010 Daily Writings – Educating my Children

Disciplining myself to sit with Z each day for one hour to do homework so we do the alphabet together and simple applied maths exercises. I have not yet disciplined myself to do it structurally on a daily basis, no exceptions no delay

I am confronted with bs inside its cool to see and observe myself and how I automatically act out parental design patterns.

It doesn’t comes ‘naturally’ to me to sit with her and to repeat the same over and over again. Fascinating to observe her, she starts yawning and  withdrawing. The lay out for the structural way of storing information is already in place.

Interesting to observe myself within irritation, impatience, annoyance, and hastiness. I actually feel ‘helpless’ not adequate enough to teach her so anything that locks into”Not being able to do the task not being able to prepare a child for the world system to survive” I will push! To bring about change. To see how I exist and realign it accordingly as I have committed myself to do so.

I will also re-introduce working with the Desteni’s Vocabulary Purifier again . We have been working with it and that was quit cool, she got all the alphabet letters already when she was 4. Now she’s in school learning  through the educational system and I see that she is now stores information a bit ‘differently’ now she suddenly needs to think – lol

Well…. I got sloppy with my daily discipline- so here is where I stand.

So I will re-introduce home teaching again on top of her school work and I will do so until I am satisfied with her reading/mathematical skills so that’s what I have set for myself establishing this point of consistently within doing so.

So first week wasn’t that cool I tend to give up , something I didn’t expect from myself b/c I can be quite persisting in pushing. I have observed this pattern before  me not pushing it firmly enough, I ‘settle’ too ‘early’ and that was when z got potty trained I gave up to quickly, seems a simple point yet is shows how I am cycling in patterns.

So with L – the second time, second child  I stuck to it and just before I wanted to give in it worked out just fine. Lol

So now we are all satisfied by pushing it just gently yet firmly !

So the point of pushing it just a bit more when working with the kids to just go a bit beyond their and my comfort zone is something to practically walk through. I am in unknown waters here never done this before and while doings so I come up with the most inventive plays to integrate the pushing of what needs to be taugt. Actually its quite a lot of fun to study the basics with her. I mean she’s 5years old  and so willing and eager to learn she is quite satisfied being teached and getting to know the world around her.

She doesn’t want to grow old she said several times over the last weeks. – lol

Ok that’s about the daily discipline within educating her, getting the basics established.

Interestingly enough L is going so much faster I mean I establish it with Z ‘right’ then L is moving so much more effectively.

The little ones!!

they are doing quite fine! We are doing fine, I observe myself within  being with them sure not yet as an absolute standing still points to look at walk with/through realignments to be done yet the initial frantic almost hysterical experience of self within it all has been dissolved. It consisted of many layers I would say. So yeah time to walk this specific point of parental system manifestation into awareness and full understanding and from there its  re-alignment.

The structural living of this point hasn’t been yet here fully as the whole for me to see and understand in its totality.

I see that this is emerging within me to experience points  here to bring it here as the real actual structure of it, intensifying the Pattern and the play out even re-walk it when this brings clarity on how to realign it. There are currently some point that are heading towards this intensity. So will see..

Another point I am busy with

Must script a clear layout/ foundation for what I am practically going to spend my time on. Then I will script it and walk the stance into completion.

Discipline and actual structure within the structure needs direction, especially  b/c this point naturally isn’t within my structural design. lol Naturally I tend to ‘perform’ ‘good’ ‘peek’ under different conditions, so discipline must be established as an absolute standing

Its also the point of consistency, doing and repeating the same physical action that is required to bring the point into being. I know is the only way yet I must push the actual physical action every moment every day, every breathe.

So cool, clear

Eating Habits/Preference/Blood type Diet B

I have changed my diet/eating habits, so I ‘m only drinking low fat milk in my coffee it’s the only milk intake and that already has been a cool stabilizer physically. Took wheat out as well same effect and at the same time taking the sugar point on and started buying bread at the bio shop again. Real bread!

I actually dropped some time ago the whole point of eating healthy I used to be a freak about food, I had developed quite a food obsession and went into the polarity opposite as well eating very crappy and poor quality food and totally not being interested whether is was of any good for the body. Either side doesn’t makes sense.  So now I am prepared to walk the correction and eat food that my body assist and support as a pillar of support, nothing more nothing less. So no more preference yet eating as an actual support point for the body, simple expressing gratefulness

Ok that’s it for now

Oh and on sleeping it goes up and down there are nights that I am only sleeping 4 hours – so I am ‘dead’ when waking in the morning yet I feel so much more stable during the day.

2010 From knowledge to corrective application immediate in the moment – NO DELAY

automation to application – learning a new skill

I realize that the ‘layer’ where I am looking at I have suppressed extensively within me. And that’s the bold actuality of the real me – that what I didn’t yet wanted to see into clarity into pulling the point completely through into taking REAL note of the point which I already was seeing. This is unacceptable and must be clarified, how and why, where, when, what. Or immediate go into corrective application I know that I can walk this.

Instead of ‘figuring’ everything out which is delaying in time and given myself a choice in essence thus deception subtle self-manipulation

Its what I see as knowledge but now I need to pull it through to the point of immediately living seeing/knowledge into corrective application.  Delay the time between corrective actions and seeing and make this immediate in the moment here equal and one

What assist as well is to consider equal and one the kids and me in every moment and what is in the moment what serves the greater good that what we us must manifest as such what we walk into creation. That’s what assists me to consider them to take them in as me as the expansion of me and from there speak, act, walk, breath

2010 Living the Decision in every Moment into its Completion

Walking the decision

It has been ‘tough’ to stand within the decisions I recently made and lived, now It must be done not postponing it through making the decision into an experience of myself where I am very tempted to walk into and actually walked into already– creating an experience out of the decision that stepped forth while directing myself.

So I see where and how I participate within generating energy it can be anything and also the side effects this is creating – unacceptable and I stop

I realize that the children, my children any child for that matter is the future and that the future will unfold determined by each individual action.

In a way I ‘forgot’ or was thinking that I could bypass the children b/c I was struggling, wallowing, stabilizing, drifting of again I see that I still didn’t yet make that definite infinite stand of: Here is where I am this is what I do and agreed on living and the children are the future and for them as them I need to give up ‘me’ simple as that. And in this I will stabilize myself to life this stand, in a way I see that this is how it went and looking at the past with thoughts like:

Couldn’t I have done this earlier or sooner? or if and what not and so on isn’t serving anyone and not even relevant and actually only generating energy – it is what it is make peace with it and walk on. Prepare the way before yourself so the next time one is faced with the exact same thing – one will stand and see the deception of time and choices.

Lets get it done!

It is what it is and I am grateful that I had the opportunity to see, understand and realize and now to walk to correct. I must walk into the corrective action now to finish what I agreed on living . To direct it towards the next faze I walk into which is already here. Directing it to its completeness – from breathe to breathe until its done.

The decision is made its done now directing it to its completeness and focus on the girls b/c I realize that it has been ‘them and the fear of what I had become in the point of motherhood what I wanted to avoid and its time to face it within myself: Motherhood where all sins/programs comes together. Lets walk!

I realize that there are many layers and that after, beyond every layer is another layer of deception and that this isn’t done in a ‘moment’ yet in every moment,  its done when we are all done, so it will be a life time commitment and this commitment must stand infinite as the stand I am making

2009 Mother,Motherhood and Self-definitions

Motherhood& self-definitions

Looking into motherhood and self definitions

Self- nurturing

Nurturing self when realized that nurturing can only come from self so nurturing is always self-nurturing

In feelings and experiences of not being nurtured enough or wanting to be nurtured by others this specific self definition point shows me what is not yet embraced as me which always brings you back to how you  experienced  yourself around your mother and the outflows thereof. Meaning how you specifically designed yourself through this self-definition point.

In bringing this back to self to embrace nurturing as you, you become it as you here

Self love

Love is actually a self definition that I lived specifically desired form my mother as following: wanting to be hold, held by others mainly my mother in bringing this self- definition of love back home to me as me holding self I’m becoming love in fact here as me

Embracing me as Love here

Being hold

As a desire, which derives from love, which is a desire, everyone, is living, everyone wants to be held by their parents especially by their mothers.

In this I realize that I’m only able to hold me as me here to embrace this rage inside that I haven’t been hold by my mother in any way whatsoever

In bringing it back to me -holding me unconditionally as me I bring it here as me

Embracing and holding me

The image that pops up with holding myself is that I hold everything here in me as me I don’t hold it as I hold a baby in my arms,no

I hold it here as me

Not there as me but here as me

In holding me all comes together, all self definitions comes together all ‘out there’ is coming together here as me

I walk and bring these self-definition points that are related to these specific experiences of myself when being a child and being a mother myself back here as me to become whole again.

TRUST (Feelings of safety)

Feelings of wanting to be safe as a baby in a womb this I can also relate back to being hold, but to be more specific I want to trust her,  which  in essence deriving from  Self-trust

 

In this I find another point that is very prominent, I’ve never been able to hold my mother as me as described above in these specific self definitions points

–       nurturing

–       love

–       holding

–       Trust

I breath in and hold my mother as me, unconditionally here as me

holding the breath I’m here

In the out breath I let go of all my self-definition points related to my mother and all outflows thereof

Holding the breath I’m here

When I see any wavering still dormant within me I know that I still hold on to self-definition points, suffering and pain

I breath in and hold her as me unconditionally here as me

Its fascinating that all we desire from our mothers what we’re not able to GIVE to ourselves we only want to Take this from others

the solution is so simple  in front of our eyes

I cant be more grateful for the children in my live, they showed me what Life is all about. Unconditionally embracing All which means unconditionally embracing all without memory or expectations without any desire for an outcome

And yet I find myself being all what I cant GIVE and want to take,

mom please forgive me

I admit guilt It was me It was always me in all ways

I forgive myself

2009 Siblings as Extension of the Mother

LouLou is seeking for comfort and runs off to Zina when I don’t comfort her. Same as what I was always doing, I ran off to my older sister seeking for comfort. She has been pointing this out to me very clearly some years ago after I had a miscarriage and expected comfort from her. I couldn’t believe thats she  pointed this out to me. I was so angry with her because I wanted her to comfort me, to be all what I wanted her to be for me an extension of my ‘mother’.

Please forgive me for my ignorance. I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself to seek comfort through the company of my sister by projecting all my perceived motherly missed attention onto her.

This has been the underlying reason the real starting point for not having contact with her for a while, some time ago. The oldest child is placed as an extension of the mother/father within the family matrix design.Hence my creation of projecting my wants needs of being in need of motherly comfort onto her. I see this very clearly now.

Its time to study what family and siblings actually are standing for to be able to realign the family unit with what is best for All.

2009 Fear of Public Humiliation

Monday 3 August 2009

Fear of Public Humiliation, I experienced this quite a bit, extensively I must say.
First time I was getting really aware of it was when I planned to go to the farm: “What would others think of me as a mother?” Fear of public judgment, embarrassment.

Now being here at the campground: What would the neighbours think of me when I’m so pissed off when the kids are awake at 4 o’clock  in the morning and stay awake for 2 hours and, or when Zina is waking Lou up in the middle of the night and me being utterly irritated by it, being utterly ashamed that they may have overheard me talking to the kids to shut up and that they need to go back to sleep.

DO I remain here as breathe? Oh no I get irritated I want to sleep!
And then it creeps in:
-Who did hear me?
-Who will judge me?
-What will the neighbours think of me?

It’s so silent here someone must have heard me being irritated, saying: “shut the fuck up, omfg I’m so embarrassed.”

Same with C, When I cried in front of her this is already almost 2 years ago and still do I feel shame that I cried and showed my utter despair towards her. Similiar point: Fear and being ashamed of showing myself in Public.

Two days ago the thought of me being spiteful about a post that I made in the past towards a persons in my words was spite and I know it and I know that others saw that already during that time and there it is. Being exposed and humiliated publicly That’s the core of this specific point being embarrassment through exposure. I want to explain myself, explain  my behaviour in terms of: “I can’t just help myself! It’s bigger then me! Its to big to handle! I cant help myself. Please I want you to understand so that you wont judge me.”

Never been aware of this fear within me its more a point of being exposed and fear of being PUBLICLY HUMILIATED. Fear of Public judgment because of it.

Thoughts come up as:

“Please understand me, I’m not a bad parent.”
“Someone could call the children/family care office and report me as a bad parent and take my kids away.” Irrational stuff.
“Every body sees that what I’m hiding, I’m exposed and being executed for it in public”
Very deeply ingrained ‘I’rrational stuff.

2009 Motherhood MotherMatrix Definitions

Motherhood MotherMatrix Definitions an exercise
Which brings me to:
-Self -nurturing
-Self -gentleness
-Self -love
-Self-holding self unconditionally embracing all of me because I’m all

Looking for support outside – looking for a mother

Mother matrix:
-Nurturing
-Love
-Holding the child as her
-Gentleness

I hereby state by being a mother in this world in this reality I live gentleness, self love, self nurturing in fact as the expression of me here in every moment of breath. I show the little ones through example and in this they will see that they are able of:

-Self nurturing
-Self gentleness
-Self Love
-Self holding self unconditionally embracing all of them because they are All

So that they will never have the ‘urge’ to Look for support ‘outside’ – looking for a ‘mother’, looking for me their mother to represent this point to them be this for them because they will realize that this what they are looking for they’re already in fact here as LIFE.

And in this they will establish self nurturing as self-expression here self-love as self-expression, holding self as self-expression.

Me as mother walking with her children unconditionally holding them all of them here as me.

A mother:
nurtures the child as her
Love the child as her as the self-expression here as her one and equal
Holds the child as her unconditionally
Being gentle with the child as self expression here as her

To live this in fact, as the living expression as whom we are as LIFE one and equal.

We as mothers in this reality, I as a mother in this world/reality have to redefine motherhood. The essence of motherhood being a mother in this reality. Me as a mother will redefine motherhood to its core until I am and all are walking one and equal with the child.

What did I wanted the most from my mother:
I wanted to be heard
I wanted to be seen
I wanted to be one and equal
I wanted to be hold unconditionally as me

2009 Self Love

1 August 2009

The promise of the first day of the month as something new has started, the illusion of something ‘new’, something fresh, something pure.

Which is not something new, fresh or pure in fact!

The first days of depression here, I can say that its depression. Referring back to B words that we all have to transcend, spitefulness, depression and relationship as the tree major points one must walk.

I experience depression very prominent lately and it’s quite extensively as well. It goes up and down or it’s not an up and down but an outflow of the self realisations and it becomes more and more difficult the more I expose myself to me, the more I allow myself to be and become intimate with myself, the more shit is being revealed as the extensive programming I live in fact without even being aware of it because I live this in actuality. You can’t see what you are, I never could really understand this. But I see that this is a fact and that I live this in fact that what I have become.

You can’t see what you are in fact what and who you have become in fact I realize if you would see and self realize this in one moment you would actually die from grieve and shame.

I always had this thought about myself that I was very aware of myself but I’m not this has been proven to me through writing consistently every day. By reading back my writings from the last two months I see that I’m continiously living the same cycle over and over again. Without even being aware of it, not seeing the whole of it and how I‘ve become this in fact and living this as me the actuality of me.
How can you possibly see that what you are living every day?

And yes when reading back I became depressed once more. This depression is quite an experience.

To such an extend that I lie down in my bed and embrace me crying because really there is nothing else to do there is no place I can go to ‘ease’ my self-created misery.

Points to consider:
When embracing me there was specifically a point to look at a point that I’ve been applying much self-forgiveness on already in writing.

Embracing me in as the source of:
Self- nurturing
Self- love
Being gentle with and as self
Holding self

These are points that lock into mother matrix and how I, all are fucked by our mothers and then fuck ourselves and all others as self and keep running the program. It actually doesn’t matter what kind of live you have had, in essence the same construct.

Within my live very prominent – I was adopted when I was four years old and could actually never understand why mothers leave their children, giving them away for others to raise. My adopted mother never showed any affection towards me, never at all she didn’t wanted me in her live.

Going back to my depression I was lying in bed when I came to a point that i wasn’t even able to cry I was just numbed out.
I was holding me: As self love, As self nurturing, As self being gentle with me.

And then I experienced a release I was actually able to hold me specifically within the above points for the first time and the next day I was laughing about it as unlashing self-enjoyment.

I’m all above definitions of what I was looking for already and fighting against myself all this time, I am all these points in fact here as me. No need to fight against this, so that was cool to stand as the following: Self- nurturing, Self-love,Self -gentleness, Holding self, all of me.

I actually never could hold myself as these points because I was conditioned by looking for these definitions ‘out there’ not even being aware of All of me here already it, how could I have known? I was always looking for someone giving it to me.

I realize that writing consistently on a daily basis is the foundation of getting the shit in front of you and allow yourself to see and realize how extensively this existence is fucked and how extensively we’re ingrained in this reality we call life. Its even more fucked up and then I realized it was

Looking at it from the perspective as a mother I now have to live this in fact here in and as the physical in every moment of breath to realize this and to live this in fact as me. The little ones are the trigger points always and now I have to stand even when I fall I get myself up.

I am gentleness as me in fact

I am love as me in fact

I hold me all of me here in fact

I embrace all of me here in fact as the living expression of me

Zina is seeing it clearly even pointing it out to me. “Now you’re angry mommy”
Lou is already slamming doors when copying me and saying “angry” boos, boos.

Yep the flower of life which has been removed and how I’ve been programmed and then after you become 28 your living it as you in fact deeper a deeper into it until you die. Until you have completely and totally abdicated to the system. People do not grow old gracefully oh no it’s horrific to be with old people to see what they’ve become to see a glimpse of the ‘future’ you.

Ok! I am Here standing and I have two beings I’m responsible for I made an agreement with myself to walk with them as me and I have to stand for them as Life as me and for all the children yet to come.

2009 File Allocation Tables – FAT

31/03/2008 19:38:21 ‹Bruce L.› that’s the mother-matrix manifestation – where the parent/mother – tries to carry the burden of the child’s life within them – holding onto the child through fear – this presented as the illusion of protection and responsibility for another

File Allocation Tables

FAT files are use to allocate information –thus–either it is specific in design–or it is coincidental–thus you do not know where it comes from

if the latter–self forgiveness and a thorough investigation of the patterns/parents that exist as your unfolding nature and experience required

2009 Ordinary Life

The children always ‘show’ me what it is to be gentle and unconditional with myself to embrace myself unconditionally.

The way children touch is gentle and the way Zina is sitting on my lap very comfortable with her self. Just sitting on my lap which she rarely does.

And the gentleness I see within this and what I also really enjoy about it is the way it always grounds me here. When she asked for a drink we get the drink and I continue sitting with her and she will curl into my lap again. As it’s the most natural thing to do which is really cool.

That’s what I noticed on the farm as well, you can have a real hard time in the kitchen because something has been pointed out to you. And all kind of ordinary life thingy’s just continue, people walking into the kitchen with e.g. a question about the groceries or about the working schedule which is grounding! All equally,  difference in approach yet without any attempt to ‘isolate’ the so-called ‘hard’ times or ‘tough’ times someone is going through which is really cool and grounding!

A cool practical tool to apply while walking with kids.

2009 The Realm of Dead People

I realized that my mother was lost after she died and how I said to her” Fuck off” when she ‘came’ to me.
I was ‘feeling’ her within me, lost, she was so lost. She really didn’t know where she was at all I realize now. She was utterly lost when she died and that she was wandering in the dimensional plane not knowing where she was at all. And she kept keeping back to the ppl she know when she was still in the physical plane, she went to see her kids. And I said “Fuck Off” she actually didn’t understand that, so she left us alone.
I said to her to “Go Away, Leave me Alone” and I realize I just see now that she didn’t know where she was at, lost as we’re All lost.

I feel ashamed as I see know that I was lost too.

I remember telling this to my father and that he answered is this really necessary, why are you so cruel to her?
It was during my miscarriage that these things opened up to me, I could for the first time ‘communicate’ with the intangible world. Before I actually never wanted to have anything to do with a world I couldn’t see or touch and I was petrified off it as well. It was just a no-go-area also due to my early childhood experiences.
As a child I was petrified by demons my sister could ‘see’ them and I could ‘sense’ them.So I said as a child to never ever communicate with a world I couldn’t touch. I’m grateful to all that walked before us that have been preparing the way so the demons were able to purify themselves. No demon will ever do harm onto children anymore. I just know that this is an absolute, there are no demons as they existed to haunt us anymore.
I’ve seen and experienced how horrific it was. No more!

The ‘Spirit’ world. Someone pointed out to me that there exist a possibility that dead people could be lost as well. That there is no absolute certainty that things would be all fine when being dead, in the after Life.
I already saw this point but couldn’t really pin point it. I thought that those wandering after death where ‘lost’ souls and within this I wanted to make sure that this would never happen to me.

I was only interested in me, myself and I and my own comfort.